


A Battle Worth Fighting

by sir_kingsley



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Canon verse, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7431574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sir_kingsley/pseuds/sir_kingsley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dean and Cas finally have a night together, Dean asks that they forget about it. But when Cas starts vanishing for weeks at a time, Dean has to reconsider what he really wants and find the courage to ask for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Battle Worth Fighting

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be like a 600-word drabble of angst and then I just kept going and I've been rewriting and editing it for a week and I'm about to go crazy so I'm just going to post it and move on to the fic that I'm actually supposed to be writing. Please let me know what you think! I feel like this is a little different from my typical writing style and I'm nervous.

_Cause you are loved_  
You are loved more than you know  
I hereby pledge all of my days  
To prove it so  
Though your heart is far too young to realize  
The unimaginable light you hold inside

Neither of them knows how it happens or why. Maybe it was a close call during a hunt, maybe the whiskey is too strong for Cas, maybe Dean is too tired to fight himself a moment longer.

They don’t know how or why but they kiss. Right there in the library of the bunker. 

They kiss and they don’t stop. 

All the way to Dean’s room, they kiss and touch with nervous but eager fingers. 

Clothes vanish and skin becomes slick with sweat. Names are the only words spoken that night between moans and sighs heavy with pleasure and relief.

Relief because it’s finally happening and Castiel falls asleep that night with his greatest treasure in his arms. And he smiles. 

His smile is still there in the morning and so is Dean. Cas allows his hands to roam, his fingers ghosting over Dean’s warm skin in wonderment. His fingerprints absorb the curve of Dean’s hips, his biceps, his jaw. 

Dean begins to stir and Cas is still smiling as green eyes focus on his face. 

Cas’s smile dies as those beautiful eyes darken with horror. Dean pulls away from his touch, cursing under his breath and Cas feels breathless.

He sits in silence as Dean began to ramble, tearing Cas’s perfect night apart one word at a time, turning a dream into a nightmare. 

“Let’s just pretend this never happened.”

So they do. But in their desperate efforts to forget one single night, they erase an entire friendship.

They don’t talk, not even a “good morning.” Absolutely no eye contact was allowed and Dean avoids any room Cas is in to the point that Cas elects to just stay in his bedroom, limiting his excursions to bathroom breaks and food runs.

Sam is confused when he finds himself suddenly eating dinner alone every night.

Then a hunt comes up and everything is fine — awkward, but fine — until one of the women they’re interviewing starts to flirt with Cas. 

Cas seems indifferent to the touches and ridiculous bouts of laughter. Sam winks at him knowingly.

Dean is simmering watching some strange woman run her hands down the arms that had held him just a week ago. 

He cuts the interview short. He’s silent all the way to the motel where the three of them hole up to do more research. 

It’s well past midnight when Sam suggests they call it. He’s pretty sure he knows what they’re dealing with. Cas closes his book and makes for the door.

“Where are you going, Cas?” Sam asks.

“To rent another room.”

Sam furrows his brows. “Why?”

“There are only two beds.”

“So? You and Dean share all the time. And you know you can share with me but it won’t be a comfortable fit.”

Dean’s chest is beating painfully as he stares at Cas’s outstretched hand just hovering over the doorknob.

“I believe everyone would be more comfortable if I had my own bed,” comes Cas’s soft reply. “Goodnight.”

Sam turns a confused look on his brother but before he can ask, Dean is seeking sanctuary in the bathroom.

They wrap up the case. The woman from the interview asks Cas out on a date. Sam says he should go. Dean breaks his wrist punching a wall.

Cas has a good time on his date with Amanda. She’s nice and laughs at jokes Cas isn’t even aware he’s making.

He’s getting back to his motel room when he senses a presence. Dean glowers from where he waited in the dark. He yells at Cas and for once, Cas yells back.

“You said you didn’t want me.”

“I said I wasn’t ready.”

“You expect me to just wait?”

“I don’t know, Cas! I certainly didn’t expect you to flirt with people right in front of me and start going on dates!”

“I never flirted with her,” Cas defends himself.

“You didn’t stop her,” Dean snaps.

“So I am to reject the advances of every person who dares show an interest in me just in case you maybe decide that you’re ready to accept me?”

“Cas, I don’t-”

“I’m not an angel anymore, Dean. For once, time is my greatest gift and my greatest enemy. I waited years for you. You said no.” He pauses to swallow painfully. “I… I understand your decision and I will respect it. But I will not spend the time I have waiting for a miracle. “

“Cas-”

“But your time is also special, Dean. You deserve to be happy, contrary to what you may think. And I would never forgive myself for standing in your way.”

“What are you saying?”

Cas disappears that night. He doesn’t contact the brothers for two weeks and Dean calls and texts him every day but there’s never any reply.

He has a permanent stomachache and feeds his worry into aggressive hunts that would be more properly defined as massacres. Sam says nothing.

Then Cas pops up in the bunker one day, scruffy and tired looking. He gives few details on his whereabouts but he smiles over dinner with the brothers, never making direct eye contact with Dean who can’t even try to not stare. Sam is offering him another beer when Cas says he needs to get going.

Dean doesn’t get a single word in. 

Cas is gone for a month after that. 

Dean’s hyper aggression has faded into a sluggish carelessness. He’s sporting several new bruises and scars by the time Cas drops by. 

The bags under Cas’s eyes are more prominent and all Dean wants is to gently run his fingers over them. He’s burning with questions.

_Where have you been?_

_How are you getting around?_

_Are you eating?_

_Do you need anything?_

_Why did you leave me?_

When the door closes behind Cas this time, Dean feels hollow.

By Cas’s next visit, Sam has put Dean on probation. He’s not allowed on hunts anymore, just sits around doing research for Sam while he’s on the road.

When Cas shows up it’s been three weeks and it’s just him and Dean in the bunker. They don’t speak beyond greetings and “are you hungry?

At Cas’s soft “yes” Dean hurries to make sandwiches. Cas is looking thinner so he makes two extra. 

They eat in silence and Dean is aching the entire time because Cas’s eyes never leave the table. 

Then Cas is trying to leave. It hasn’t even been 20 minutes — Cas usually stays at least a few hours. 

Icy panic floods Dean. Not again. 

He can’t watch him leave again. 

Cas, please¬-

“Wait!”

They both jump at his yell. Cas is facing him, eyes still downcast, as he waits for Dean to say more.

Something. He has to say something. But his throat feels so dry and it’s like he’s too weak to even lift his tongue. 

Say something.

_I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you._

Yes.

_I want you._

God, he wants him. More than he’s ever craved anything in his life.

_I want you._

“Take the extra sandwiches.”

*****  
Cas’s next visit isn’t for two whole months. 

Dean’s barely talking. Sam isn’t taking cases anymore because he’s too scared of what he might come home to.

Both brothers are relieved when Cas knocks on the door. Sam squeezes him in a tight hug before scolding him for scaring them. Dean nods numbly in agreement. Cas apologizes.

Dean makes dinner and listens to Sam and Cas talk over his homemade burgers and fries until it’s well past midnight.

Cas is trying to leave but Sam says it’s far too late and tells Cas to just crash in his old room.

“It’s just for one night.”

Cas gives in and retreats to his room. Right across from Dean’s.

Dean can’t sleep. It’s like he can hear Cas’s heartbeat and he can’t stop twitching.

Should he go?

No, you don’t want to scare him away.

But he’s there. He’s standing outside Cas’s door and he’s knocking before he can scare himself away.

Cas opens the door with eyes angry with interrupted sleep that slowly ice over as they recognize who stands in front of them in the dark.

“I don’t want to pretend,” Dean says, for once just letting his mouth open and not thinking about what’s coming out. “I don’t want to pretend that night never happened.”

“Dean, it’s fine,” Cas says and the gentle smile that curves his mouth feels like a dagger in Dean’s chest. “I understand.”

“But it’s not fine, Cas! And I don’t want it to be fine. I’m not fine!” Dean is yelling now and he can’t care. “I haven’t been fine for months! Nothing is fine, Cas, it’s shit- I’m shit and I can’t- I’m not-”

“Dean, you’re going to wake Sam,” Cas hisses.

“Cas, I’m so sorry. I never should have said what I said to you. Because I- I don’t want to pretend. I hate this. I hate pretending. I feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t- I can’t breathe, Cas, I can’t breathe, and I’m so sorry-”

Then Dean is being pulled into Cas’s room and pushed to sit on the bed. Cas sits next to him but leaves an appropriate distance that Dean crosses in a heartbeat, pressing himself into Cas’s familiar warmth.

Because Dean remembers. He remembers that night like it’s burned into his eyelids. He sees it every time he blinks. He sees Cas beneath him, his head thrown back and lips parted around the shape of his name. 

And he remembers the morning after and those glorious moments before he woke when he felt someone warm who smelled like cinnamon wrapped around his body, caressing his hips and his arms with a feather light touch. He remembers feeling so comfortable that his toes curled under the comforter. He remembers everything right until he opened his eyes and the panic set in. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” Dean whispers. “It fucking hurts, Cas, every time you go out that door. And I know it’s my fault, but I-”

“It’s not your fault, Dean,” Cas murmurs into his hair. “I made the decision to leave.”

“Yeah, but you made it because I was being an ass.”

“You were scared. It’s perfectly understandable.”

“Stop saying that!” Dean pulls away so he can look at Cas. “I mean, weren’t you mad? How could you not be mad at me? I-I slept with you and then just kicked you out!”

Cas hesitates to answer. “I-I was upset. At first. I felt rejected and… like you had stolen something from me. Hope, I suppose. In all my millennia, you have been my greatest desire and to have it for one night and then have it taken away felt… cruel. And I was angry with you for a short while. But I could also see how badly you were reacting to the situation we put ourselves in. I thought it would be easier for both of us if we didn’t have to be around one another.”

Dean is blushing and it also looks like there might be tears in his eyes. “Dammit, Cas. I don’t know what to do here.”

“Neither do I. I’d like to tell you that you have nothing to be scared of. You’re not broken and no one you hold dear will judge you. You deserve happiness and joy and love and it is not selfish of you to take it.” Cas smiles then, softly. “But I know you well enough to know such words would fall on deaf ears.”

Dean smirks. “You saying I’m a lost cause?”

“Of course not. You are a battle in and of itself, Dean Winchester. I’ve fought against worse odds for far lesser rewards.”

Dean’s breath hitches and he has to look away from Cas’s adoring gaze. It’s too much. It’s always been too much. 

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Dean,” Cas says, his fingers tangling together in his lap. “Nor do I wish to feed into your guilt or misery. So I will leave my fate in your hands. Whether you want to stay or leave. To wait or not. It’s up to you.”

“I thought you said you didn’t want to waste your time waiting for me.”

“A second with your friendship means more to me than an eon without.”

Now Dean is definitely blushing and his palms feel sweaty but he doesn’t feel panic. Just nervous. Nervous to do something he’s never done before.

He takes Cas’s hand. “I want you to stay. With me.”

Cas smiles and squeezes Dean’s hand. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics are from "Light" by Sleeping at Last
> 
> And you can come talk to me on [Tumblr](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/)


End file.
